Feelings creeping out
in the house of sin.
I experience God here,
surrounded by bare souls.
I don’t understand why He talks to me here,
amongst the impure.
The ceilings are sticky,
but the connection runs free.
Here, God touches me.
Where no one can find me,
He sees me.
No finger-pointing—
his compassion illuminates dark alleys.
Baptized in sweat, He creates new chapters of me.
He shatters my ancient beliefs
and pulls me out from the trenches anew.
He shuts down the echo of complacent voices,
slaps me under a tilting red bulb.
I’m no longer in the shadows,
but still in danger.
Salt water burns my blood,
yet the invisible walker stands by me.
Here,
where no one shall ever identify me,
I find Him—or Her—or It.
I think it’s an It.
I think this presence, this reality I feel,
cannot be contained in gender—
that’s too basic for Its nature.
It finds me in unholy places,
because why would It join in at the house of prayer,
where It already moves through rivers of tears?
Find me anywhere.
Cut me through,
slice me deep so You can heal me profoundly.
Push me into the bright light I’m so afraid of—
the light I cannot hide from.
Transform my life into skillful spider legs that move freely,
completely certain of purpose and will.
You should not trust me
like I trust You.
You are incapable of failing—
but undoing is my name.
Rub my broken ribs with Genesis mud,
blow holiness through the open wounds.
Refill the water that’s been poured,
as You renew everything under the sun.
Make me the sun.
Make me an unstoppable force of nature.
I want to know no limits.
I want to know what it feels like to kiss the sky,
elevated by titanium wings.
Why do You keep finding me here?
Why do I keep coming here?
Why do I go anywhere?
And why can’t You come with me always?
Don’t hesitate to help a strong soldier
when he is tempted to fall—arms up.
Lift those limbs with a whisper, and
help him deny the demons operating his brain.
Grant him the joy of pride.
Keep me away from this nebulous dungeon—
but, please, I can’t carry more regrets.
It does not matter where You find me,
do so every day.
I’ll call You with my left eye and blow a kiss at You.
Catch it—and me—every time.
Benjamín Cedeño 